


all the ways we can't love wrong

by sadlybunny



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, discussion of daniel and depression, they loooove each other <3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 14:00:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30123861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadlybunny/pseuds/sadlybunny
Summary: And it eats at Dan, really eats at him, that Phil, his most favorite person in the world, could ever feel like Dan is anything but absolutely and completely enamored with him.So a plan, of sorts, is concocted in the terrifying maze that is Dan’s mind. That maybe somewhere in there he needs to relocate his Phil shrine, hidden deep someplace in the hedges, probably abandoned somewhere around age 20.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 46





	all the ways we can't love wrong

**Author's Note:**

> this been in the drafts for... a hot minute. then i bought a baby monkey at ikea and decided to finish it.

In all honesty, Dan doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. 

It starts when they wake up, or specifically, Phil wakes up and detangles their legs before standing and pulling on some clothes. Dan shifts in the bed, groaning as he rubs his eyes. He opens his arms and pouts up at Phil, who laughs softly at him and ruffles his curls. 

“I have to meet with Martyn, remember?” Phil sits down on the bed and slides on his shoes. 

Dan sighs. He wanted to cuddle Phil a bit longer, so what? He needed the comfort more lately, which is definitely something Phil has noticed. It’s why he doesn’t ask questions when Dan curls up against him, or drags him off to the bedroom in the middle of the day. He has a lot on his mind, which is understandable. Phil says it's normal. 

But of course, Phil has to go meet with his brother about some things for tour that he honestly couldn’t give even half a fuck about. Not when it's getting in the way of morning cuddles.

“Worst boyfriend.” Dan grumbles, throwing an arm over his eyes. 

Phil steps over to Dan’s side of the bed and leans down.

“You don’t mean that.”

He kisses Dan square on his chapped lips, then on the very tip of his nose. 

“I’ll be back in an hour or so,” He stands again then makes his way out of their bedroom. “Love you!” He calls behind him.

Unless Phil was calling to his plants, Dan was sure the message was directed towards him. He keeps quiet as he listens for Phil making his way out of the flat. Maybe he would’ve said it back, if Phil had stayed in bed a little longer.

-

“Honey, I’m home!” Phil shouts as he steps into the flat. His American accent is horrifyingly bad, but Dan thinks it’s sweet.

He smiles and pauses his game, throwing his controller across the coffee table. 

“Did you bring me something?” Dan grins. His smile follows Phil as he sets down a bag on the kitchen counter and makes his way around to the back of the sofa. 

Usually Phil will bring him a coffee or pastry or something if he goes out in the morning. 

“No,” Phil leans down to place an upside-down kiss on Dan’s forehead. “But isn’t my unconditional love enough?”

“Do you hate me or something?” Dan whines, flopping back onto the sofa. 

Phil scoffs and steps back around to lean over Dan. “Don’t say that. I don’t hate you, I’ve never hated you.”

He’s just joking around, of course. But there’s something in Phil’s voice that makes him feel a bit hesitant to continue with the teasing. But it’s just Phil, so why should he care?

“Whatever. I’ll just starve, I guess.” Dan pushes at his knee. 

Phil rolls his eyes and makes his way to the kitchen. “What am I making you for breakfast, then?”

-

Dan’s in the kitchen putting away various ingredients from the meal Phil made him and closing the cupboards. 

“Will you ever be less of a hurricane in the kitchen?” Dan sighs, placing the pans Phil used in the sink.

“Yeah, you’re welcome for the food, darling.” Phil mumbles. He’s clacking away on his laptop that’s set on the breakfast bar. 

Dan rolls his eyes as he starts wiping the counters of all the food mess Phil had created. 

He steps over to Phil and wraps his arms around him, peeking over at his laptop screen while he continues to type away. “I said thank you. Now I’m saying close the fucking cupboards, it’s not that hard.”

“Right, of course, Dan.”

Dan huffs right into Phil’s ear. “You’re ignoring me.”

“I’m responding to important emails that _you_ complained about. For you.”

“Yeah, thanks. Less work for the tour so I can clean up after you all day.”

Phil slams his laptop closed. “Just stop, then. If it’s such a big deal, then leave it for me to take care of.”

Dan smiles tightly. “If I leave it for you it won’t ever get done.”

“If you used actual English and asked me to,” Phil growls, “then I’d do it.”

“Keep pretending, bub.” 

Dan pats his back sarcastically and yeah, that’s it. That’s the line. 

“Jesus, Dan. I’ve been nothing but nice to you and you’ve been treating me like shit like all week. Can’t you just be a little bit kinder to me today?”

He retreats from Phil’s body and crosses his arms. 

“I didn’t know you were feeling this way.”

Phil sighs and turns around on the stool. “I just wish you would… like, act more normal.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? We’ve never been normal.”

“No, but it's like you're always ‘on’ lately.” Phil emphasizes the word with air quotes. “You know you don’t need to be that way with me.” He voices that last part softly, bringing a hand up to Dan’s shoulder and rubbing it softly. 

He’s still so good. Even when Dan is being a dick he’s still so good to him.

He huffs. “You’re right I’m…” He runs a hand through his hair. “I feel weird, since…”

“Since the video.”

“Yeah.” Dan sighs as Phil pulls him into his arms. He hugs Phil’s waist as he rubs Dan’s broad back, up and down, up and down, in the way that makes Dan instinctively breathe easier. Phil is right. Ever since he shared that part of him, just saying what he felt he needed to say without actually… saying it, he’s been acting differently. 

“You know you don’t have to put on a face when you’re with me,” He squeezes Dan tightly, pulling back for a second to kiss him on the forehead. “I love you just the way you are.”

Dan sighs into his neck. “I know, I’m sorry.” Phil kisses his head and stands from the stool so he can sway them back and forth. “I just feel- exposed. I guess. I don’t mean to be closing off.”

“That’s okay.” 

“I- fuck- I’m really sorry.”

“Dan, I know you didn’t mean it. I blew up on you a little.”

Dan hugs him a little tighter. 

“C’mon, give us a kiss.”

Dan sniffs and raises his head from Phil’s chest. The kiss is soft and short- really just a press of lips together- but it's comforting. It’s always comforting for Dan to realize he hasn’t ruined his relationships with his bad habits.

“Can I make it up to you?” He presses a few kisses to Phil’s jaw. 

He laughs softly. “I’m sure you will.”

-

And it eats at Dan, really eats at him, that Phil, his most favorite person in the world, could ever feel like Dan is anything but absolutely and completely enamored with him.

So a plan, of sorts, is concocted in the terrifying maze that is Dan’s mind. That maybe somewhere in there he needs to relocate his Phil shrine, hidden deep someplace in the hedges, probably abandoned somewhere around age 20. 

Essentially, he’s going to worship Phil the way that he always imagined he’d still be doing at 18. Which, realistically is a bit of a hormone-driven teenage fantasy. But he feels guilty. Like he’s been a bad partner.

So Phil will be getting some special treatment, for a while. Maybe just until they get this whole tour thing straightened out. 

-

Today had been a long day of meetings and planning and emails and all of the sort. Phil had gotten a bit quiet during their last meeting, which Dan knew meant an oncoming migraine. He caught Phil rubbing his temples before he shut himself in the bathroom and turned on the shower. 

He still feels bad about the other day, so he decides that a good way to start up his plan would be some company in the shower. Non-sexual company, of course (unless Phil is up for that, but he usually isn’t when his eyes are throbbing and his brain feels like it's being juiced). He walks straight in, making himself known with the click the door makes.

Phil peeks around the corner of the shower, catching Dan shirtless with his pants halfway down his legs. 

“Oh- are you… coming in?”

Dan steps out of his pants and quickly folds up their clothes, setting them on the counter next to the sink. 

“Yeah.” He bounces over to the shower and pushes Phil back in by the chest, slipping into the steam and pulling the glass door closed behind him. 

“I’m like, really tired.”

“I know,” Dan grabs the shampoo and pours some into his hand. “Let me wash your hair for you, honey.”

Phil’s lip curls slightly at the gesture, and he moves closer to rest his hands around Dan’s waist. He lets his eyes drift shut as Dan’s big hands massage his head, practically melting the incoming migraine away. Combined with the warmth, steam, and smooth feeling of Dan’s skin against his, the sweet massage Dan starts to give him with their soap pushes all of the stress from the week out of his shoulders. 

“Feels good?”

“Mm.” Phil replies, head under the spray to rinse out his conditioner. The color-protecting products Phil uses smell of rose oil and peach, and the sweet scent fills the room.

Phil offers to return the favor with a small shake of Dan’s curl defining shampoo, to which he vehemently shakes his head no. He sends Phil off to get comfy in bed while he finishes the rest of his shower. Dan had lovingly (although a little helicopter-y, Phil thinks) laid out some of his pajamas for him on their bed, so he changes and flops face first into his pillow. 

He doesn’t fall asleep, although his body is relaxed his mind is definitely not. He startles a bit when he feels warm lips being pressed to the back of his neck.

“Time for sleep?”

“I’ll try.”

He can see that Phil’s eyebrows have relaxed, and he’s not reaching for the bedside lamp like he normally would if his head was hurting. Dan shuffles down between Phil’s legs and under the blanket, arms on either side of his hip’s and chin just below his belly button. “Will it help you sleep if I suck you off, babe?”

Phil rolls his eyes as he huffs a laugh, shuffling up onto his elbows and moving the blanket down off of Dan’s head. 

“Yeah, that might help.”

-

Dan’s arms are wrapped tightly around his neck, his nose burrowed deep in the crevice made by his shoulder. His legs are folded up, knees squeezing at Phil’s wide hips. 

He doesn’t want to get up. 

And luckily, it's not because it's a bad day. It’s nice and warm in their bed, and Phil’s little huffs of breath tickle the nape of his neck in a way that’s just precious.

Pretty soon, though, Dan feels Phil start to shift under him, his hands running up his thighs and under his shirt. Dan pulls his face from Phil’s neck to press their noses together. 

“Mm.” He grumbles in that deep, throaty, morning voice that Dan loves so much. 

“Morning, babe.”

Phil pushes his head right back where it was, scratching his nails through his long curls. He’s silent for a while, still waking up, just moving his fingers slightly in Dan’s hair.

“Mm… my baby.”

Dan snorts into his neck. “Oh I’m your baby am I?”

“Mm-m.” He shakes his head no.

Dan pulls his head out of Phil’s grasp. “Then who the fuck else is?”

Phil’s eyes are still closed, but he’s smiling a bit now. Just a bit more awake. His hand comes up to Dan’s face, swiping at the soft skin under his eye. “Baby monkey.”

“I’m your baby _monkey_?”

Phil nods, clearly very pleased with himself. “My baby monkey,” He kisses Dan’s ear. “Look at his long monkey arms.”

Maybe Dan would be offended if he were having a different sort of day. But he knows Phil is probably still half asleep, and probably had some dream about a monkey.

“Alright, you idiot, lets go make breakfast.”

-

It’s easier, then, to relax into things. He knows that the relationship with their audience has changed a bit, since letting them just a bit closer. But he has Phil, who gets him, who will always get him, and actually loves him unconditionally despite Dan’s occasional doubts. 

There’s tons of stress with the upcoming tour, but it's easy to just lay in Phil’s lap on the sofa while _Attack of the Clones_ plays on the television and Phil’s fingers brush through his hair. 

“I love you.” He says to Phil, full eye contact and everything. 

Phil leans down to kiss him. “I love you with all of my butt-”

“Please don’t quote Facebook mum posts while I’m trying to profess my love for you.”

“-Because it’s bigger than my heart.” 

He would push his lips away. Or maybe pinch his ear and shuffle out of his lap. 

He pulls him back in by his t-shirt. 

“You’re...” Phil’s eyes stare straight into his. His thumb is brushing over Dan’s cheek, squishing the fat around just a little. “Adorable.” He decides. Because it's true, Phil is adorable. And he's especially adorable when Dan is pulling him back down to connect their smiling mouths. 

“I am adorable.”

They make out lazily on the sofa just a little longer, Dan still half in Phil’s lap, hands greedy for the feeling of Phil’s warm skin. They’ll have lots to do later, but for now Dan just enjoys the way Phil squeezes his thigh and slides their tongues together. Until he throws his legs off of Phil suddenly and stands up.

He holds his hand out to Phil, who’s still looking thoroughly rumpled on the sofa. “C’mon. Let’s go fuck.”

“Always the romantic, Danny.” Phil grabs his hand and uses Dan’s strong arm to pull himself up from the cushions. 

Which Dan takes as a personal challenge, of course. So he uses the momentum to pull them together roughly, manhandling Phil closer to him with one leg up round his hip and two hands pulling on his face. It makes Phil squeal a little, a cute surprised noise at the sudden attack, which encourages Dan even more. He tugs Phil all the way to their bedroom and pushes him up against the door.

“I’ll romance the fuck out of you, Lester.”

Dan can tell Phil is trying for some sort of witty comeback, but his mind is all horned up already, so Dan takes the opportunity to smash their lips back together. 

It's worth it, to make Phil speechless again. He deserves it. Dan knows he could do it more often, just put in that extra bit of effort that comes naturally to him anyway. 

Phil moans deeply into his mouth when he presses their hips together. He reaches down to grope Dan’s ass with both hands, holding him impossibly close as he grinds onto him.

He’s looking forward to it, actually.

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr [@sadlybunny](https://www.sadlybunny.tumblr.com)  
> -bunny x


End file.
